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-- a lil somethin i wrote... (https://www.jusunlee.com/forums/showthread.php?threadid=15511)

a lil somethin i wrote...

hello! heres a little something i wrote during some off time between some classes... unfortunantly its not very good... seeing how i just jotted and scribbled a buncha things taht popped into my head at that moment... questions... comments both would be very much appreciated... its no where near done... just an idea i decided to get started... probably won't see anything past this little intro...

lets take it from the start...
try it all over again...
we started on the wrong foot...
lets try it all over again...
i think i was too cold...
i'll try to be warm...
we should start from the beginning
hello...
Hi
Can i tell you something?
sure
you're beautiful...
. . .
im sorry i screwed up again...

Thats how it all started. I fell in love with a nameless girl in an anonymous coffee shop full of unidentifiable faces. She sat there with a coffee in one hand and a pen in the other. A worn out beaten up notebook lay on the table full of scribbles and doodles of miscellaneous poetry and proverbs. Her legs crossed comfortably with a pensive stare into space. I couldn't help but wonder what could have caused such a beautiful girl to be so enraptured by such worrisome thought. I couldn't resist saying hello

First off let me tell you that im really clumsy with my words when im put in a situation where i am forced to have a conversation. When i am face to face with someone all my words seem to come out wrong. When i don't have time to gather my thoughts and words people always get the wrong impression of me. so its been no wonder to me that im not exactly what a woman sees as long term relationship material. (okay for this section it kinda sucks... i mean it sucks big time... i gotta come up with a clever way to put that this guy is a dork and always says the wrong things... anyway... writer's note... oh yea after all this is still a first draft... heck its prolly never gonna get pasted this draft LOL)

Even so i couldn't resist. Her dream clouded eyes sparked a feeling that i haven't felt since the last time i was hurt. I can still remember every detail. The unsettling feeling of doom as the fear of rejection made me nearly turn back (okay right here there seems to be some flowing issues... i think i went from one tense to another while i was writing it... just doesn't seem right as im rewriting this...). In the back of my head, every reason to turn back around popped into my head. Suddenly the bitter black coffee looked uncommonly inviting. The empty seat beside my table beconed me to sit back down in safety. My feet autonomously strode toward her. Like the rivers and streams are drawn to the sea, i was drawn to her (okay this line right here really sucks it so cliche it almost makes me gag... kinda like a line you would find in one of those cheap super market romance novels) . Like some force of nature she pulled at me, and i found myself unwittingly obeying to her call.

I mechanicly walked toward her. And like a shakey robot from a bad science fiction film i stumbled toward her with no obvious direction. My head was running a mile a minute trying to figure out a way to approach her. Unfortunantly i ran out of distance before my brain could think up of a witty and charming way to say hello to a complete stranger. So like the complete idiot that i am I stood there staring at her with possibly the most perverted look upon my face, desperately trying to figure out a way to say hello

I stood there for what seemed like an eternity, kicking myself for not thinking of a lie to start a conversation sooner. Hopeless i decided to turn back and retreat to safety. In utter disbeliefe i saw the girl who sat before me turn around. Her gaze drawn toward me by the uncomfortable feeling you get when someone is staring at you. Her eyes met mine as i looked at her in horror. A million scenarious of absolute embarrasment crowded my mind as i opened my mout to say something, anything to dispel the awkward silence that slowly pushed out the fear that clouded my brain. she looked at me quizzicly as she wondered why the hell this strange guy was staring at her with such a perverted stare. She watched me, waiting for me to answer her unannounced question. I trembled and shook.

I had to say something. Anything to break the ice and remove this feeling from the air. The only things that came to mind were the lame pickup lines me and my friends used to throw around as jokes. A plethora of useless lies flooded into my head, which i quickly dismissed as either being too vulgar or just too dumb for any self respecting girl to fall for. Then finally i just blurted something out. I think my brain exploded under the intense pressure, because i could sense the undeniable scent of verbal diherrea. All i remember saying was the seemingly harmless sentence "nice shoes"

when i see a lot of writing, i don't read it.

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well thats the problem with today's society... people don't read enough... they just sit infront of the tube and vegitate rather then do anything that actually broadens a person's perspective... its sad really...

lol. it's human. it's not that people don't read enough.

here's a tip, try to break up your paragraphs a little more. it's a turn off to see huge blocks of writing.

feel like yu should defend yourself? try this: find a news paper article and type it up on your computer. yu'll find that the paragraphs are amazingly short. news paper writers do this because, like i said, it's a turn off to see huge blocks of writing; and, the small margins made for news articles don't help, either.

__________________
practice makes perfect.

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well the thing is what ive written isn't an article... and no im not in the least bit offended... and i would have to disagree with you when you point out its "human" to be turned off by seeing a large post as this... honestly in my opinion i don't think this is a long post at all...

the thing is if i broke down those paragraphs it wouldn't be a story at all... i mean each paragraph in itself has a point a thought... to break down those paragraphs would be essentially breaking down those thoughts, and then the story would make less sense... to break down those paragraphs would break down the cohesiveness of the narrative...

the thing is i think people are so turned off by long posts is because people nowadays are so information driven and into instant gratification they lose the patience to sit down and read... people are so caught up in getting to the point, they fail to take in the whole story... i mean its no wonder so many authors out there have trouble making a living today... people are just too impatient to sit down and read a good story... i don't blame them today's society is just in such a rush people get caught up in the rush and fail to see the beauty that is just lying all around them... like the proverbial phrase "stop and smell the roses" people have just fergotten to slow down and take in the now and the here...

It's creative writing henford... expect long posts in this forum (if any posts at all -_-)

Hey, I'd like to personally thank you for contributing to the creative writing forum. It seems to have died and I'm trying to revive it but obviously not doing a very good job. Yea people don't want to read anymore : books on tape.

But that's besides the point. I liked your piece. It seems to be an emotion that relates to a lot of people. "verbal diarrhea"... That's funny lol. I liked how it "ended". I don't think there needs to be any more after thought to this either. I bet some people would want an ending with more closure... but that's also something a lot of people have begun (and already have) lost: imagination, the capacity to wonder, the capacity for thought in general.

A lot of foreign films don't have a definite ending eg: French films. My French teacher (actually FROM France) loves to show us French films. At first I found it slightly ungratifying because the endings were always... just.. Yea, they just WERE. But the more films I saw the more I began to appreciate that sometimes... I'm required to think. Yes everyone is in a rush rush rush but I think that the "everyone" part is a very big misconception. It's mainly America that seems to value time so much yet waste it. (Something to do with economics. lol.)

If anything else... I don't believe in "love at first sight". Attraction is all fine and well but such strong emotions from a single glance seems... trite?

Just an ironic fact: most modern day roses don't smell good anymore (unless you pay mucho bucks for them).

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haha well i don't believe in love at first sight but its a fanciful and fun topic to play around with =]... but yea if i were to continue on this story this would no way be the end of it... haha im just too lazy to go on about it... i need some inspiration to sweep me up and get me writing like a maniac again...

thanks for the comment though... =T ive been looking for a forum to have my writing critiqued... even if its not a serious critique its nice to get some feed back instead of hoarding all these stories to myself...

quote:

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Originally posted by MellowYellow
It's creative writing henford... expect long posts in this forum (if any posts at all -_-)

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__________________
practice makes perfect.

www.xanga.com/hnefrdo

quote:

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Originally posted by hnefrdo
lol. this is funny. and, it's all i read of your reply. haha.

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I hate google cache.