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Jusunlee.com Forums > Entertainment > Creative Writing > [short fic]Crystal by hotjjang[feat. Woohyuk and Ayumi]
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MellowYellow
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[short fic]Crystal by hotjjang-featuring woohyuk

Author: hotjjang
Title: Crystal
Characters : Woo Hyuk and Ayumi
Warning: PG

CRYSTAL
==================================================
===================
All day long, I prayed for you
[I think] My heart will hurt...so much
But don't feel so bad...it's nothing
All I need is time.
Even though no one will replace you and I can never love again,
I will treasure all our memories
But I still remain a little worried...
Because I never even thought of my life without you

If you leave me....I will wait for you here...
If even for a thousand years....
(Lee Soo Young's 'Even for a Thousand Years')
==================================================
===================
The crystal feels so cold beneath my fingers: cold...but beautiful. It sparkles so brightly--tinting every color of the rainbow--gathering what tiny flecks of light there are in my life and reflecting them in brilliant display with twice the intensity...almost as if having a life of its own. And once more I want to get lost in its embrace: the embrace of a clear, cold stone with warm colors. So much time seems to have flown by since I last gazed at a crystal this way, and during that time I feel I have changed so much, aged so much, but my crystals remain the same. Just like the first time...and the last time. My skin tingles as a hot tear falls on my hand holding the crystal, another crystal's worth of my pain. This will be the last time I will ever touch one.
I have always had a thing for crystals. To this day I don't know why, but they never failed to give me joy, especially whenever I flicked the side of a crystal wine glass with my index finger until I was convinced I couldnt make the high-pitched ting any louder. They drew me in with their allure, and created an atmosphere of mystery and wonders so deep I had no clue where they end. Perhaps they never end. Perhaps the mysteries of a crystal are one of those rare qualities that never end, because they never can. Like a constantly churning kelaidoscope revealing countless different symmetrical patterns, all from the one angle.
The world through a crystal was that fascinating. Sometimes, everything right-way-up would turn upside-down and topsy-turvy whenever I placed my eye against the clear surface; other times everything would look the right-way-up in an unrecognizable way, so that it was just as exciting as seeing everything upside-down. And I would have no way of explaining it, even scientific explanations declaring it all to be just effects of the light would never satisfy me. I would once again find myself puzzled. The crystals were so clear and pure, but at the same time it was hazy as though veiling valuabe secrets behind a see-through curtain, and looking through them was like laying eyes on a different universe. I would be separated between two realities and, later, two verdicts, on which universe was false and which one was real: the crystal's or mine? My mind would drift off to the vision behind the crystal, my body hung back in the location I was standing in. But somehow my concentration overlapped both while always focusing in one direction. And in this mismatched, contradictory way, my whole entity as a soul would be fused together in utter confusion in a single location, which, even to this day, I couldnt quite put my finger on. This just confused me more on deciding which world was an illusion and which was not, but deciding which one it was would leave me just as confused as looking through the crystal itself. Additionally, my head always hurt afterwards.
But it never failed to leave me addicted. I would find myself gazing at another crystal, contemplating the meaning of its mystery when I had nothing better to do. Though I never got close to solving it, I'd find new paradise and a new strength every time I gazed at it. Yet I would also feel there was something I was unconsciously ignoring within the clear haziness. And I could never quite put my finger on it.
But now I know what it is. It is new hope. And, right now, I need this hope. Yet, will such a cold, silent stone listen to my silent longing?

*****

This fic is by hotjjang. She is a VERY good writer. Just incase anyone got confused. I state it differently. THIS IS NOT MY FIC.

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Old Post 04-15-2002 03:14 PM
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lovedontloveme

Registered: Apr 2002
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is there more to that fic susan?? LOL
^^ post more of it dammit if there is more
HYUKIE IS MY HUBBY [:

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Old Post 04-15-2002 05:28 PM
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SoundCtrl
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nice.

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Old Post 04-16-2002 04:45 PM
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TAIgrr
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Talking

woooooooohyuk. alright!!!!!

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Old Post 04-16-2002 05:11 PM
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MellowYellow
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My love for crystals was passed down to me. Whether through word or blood, I don't know. As a restless six year-old girl, I would gaze for endless hours at the rows of crystal figurines and other trinkets lining the display window of my father's little crystal shop in the quiant little town of Sapporo, Japan. My father would lean behind the cashier counter, or sit by the display window next to me when there were no customers, lazily watching the Sapporo scene through the glass without a word.My father also loved crystals--heck, it was his business--and perhaps if we'd based our relationship on this common interest it would have been more colorful. But we never did.
Instead, I was raised in ignorance. My father always ignored my prescense, so as I was growing up I learned to ignore his. The customers who came through the door ignored my prescence, only interested in testing every crystal on the shelves for authenticity, so I learned to ignore the world: to me it was only the noise and confusion outside the window. And the very woman who had bothered giving birth to me was the best in ignoring me.
My mother had left us when I was far too young to remember, dumping my father for another man four months after I was born. She left no memories of herself for me to lament over, and I never did. My relationship with her was silent. One with no words or thoughts. She existed only in my mind as a shadow of an imagination...shimmery...distant.
It was on a silent night like every other silent night that my father spoke what came to be his last words. As always, I was sitting by the display window chewing on the end of one of my pigtails, gazing out into the crowded street. The street lamps glowed bright and beautiful against the dark sky, but no one looked up to appreciate their light: everyone scuffled along rubbing their hands together while huddling into the warmth of their loved ones or heaving under the strain of shopping bags heavy with Christmas shopping. It was snowing. Silently.
"Beautiful tonight isnt it?"
"Yes, it is." I didnt even bother to turn. Now I regret never having taken his words seriously.
"The snow is like the crystals here on the window."
"Huh?"
"So beautiful...cold, but beautiful...and it is pure, clear. Just like small crystals God is sending down on everyone as presents."
"But my teacher says snow is ground ice."
"Your teacher says stuff she reads out of textbooks...miles and miles of black ink...but nothing she ever noticed herself. Listen to my saying, Ayumi. It is more important and more useful than paper pages filled with chemicals."
I just nodded, unable to understand what he was ranting about. "So if we collect all that snow in a bucket then we can sell it for money?"
"No," he sighed, "Alas, nothing good ever stays forever in a bad place. Besides, the crystals we have here already," he pointed to the crystal figurines on display in front of us, "are the most precious gems in the world."
"But my teacher says diamonds are the most precious gems on earth."
My father scrunched his face into an exasperated expression of disgust, "Bah! Diamonds are worthless compared to crystals. All for seeing, not for treasuring. Women are foolish to chase after things that just happen to be rock hard and last 'forever', but remember, Ayumi, most people who wear diamonds are like the diamonds themselves. They manipulate the light by scattering it in all directions. They use this method to make them look good, but they blind anyone who is gracious to them."
"So everyone's a diamond or a crystal?"
"No. No one can ever last as long as a diamond no matter how pompous they are. Everyone is more like a crystal, and a crystal can often be cut to imitate a diamond, but it is never a diamond."
"So since we are crystals we fall from the sky when we're born? Is that how babies are made?"
My father looked at me...no...he looked THROUGH me, and stayed silent. I had stared fiercely back, demading an answer and trying, for the first time in my life, to crack the wall of ice separating us from each other's warmth.
"We are like the falling snow," my father spoke as if he'd never heard my questions, "it is hard to stay pure in this world. The snow falls; is trampled underfoot; and is left no longer snow white."
He got up from beside me and walked away to attend to a customer who'd just entered through the door, sending in sprays of snow with her plump body. I continued to stare out into the night, sensing it but not seeing it. My mind was caught in a web of confusion thanks to my father's words, and after many attempts at trying to grasp the meaning of my father's words with my childish mind I gave up. However, as young as I was, I hadnt been able to help feeling terribly uneasy. For the wall of ice had melted away, only to reveal a wall of polished wood underneath.
The next day, I had found my father motionless on his mattress--cold and dead. "Lung cancer," I heard a doctor explain to my aunt, my father's sister, "he's had it for three years now, and with the freeezing temperatures of last night, I guess he couldnt handle it..."
At the funeral, I hadnt shed a tear. Why should I? I was seeing the burial of a stranger, someone I only noticed as a man I happened to share half my DNA with by mere chance. Also, my six year-old heart was still unable to grasp the vast meaning of death. I felt no pain then, and I felt I would never feel it ever. What was there to feel pain over? Besides the brief chat we shared the other night, my father also left me with no memories of himself for me to lament over. And I never did.
After my father's death, nothing majorly changed. Our small crystal store was still kept open, only it was now run by my aunt who agreed to take me under her wing and raise me; I ended up living in her house, which was not far from the shop. Ten years later, she gave up possession of the crystal shop and gave it to me, as instructed by my father's will that managed to be written despite his sudden death. So for four more years I tended it, by myself. Perhaps I should have been grateful for such a gift (I was still able to gaze upon beautiful crystals to my heart's content), but at the time I saw it only as a nuisance that prevented me from going to college since I had to look after the shop. At the age of 18 I had no choice but to graduate from high school without even a single aspiration for college. While all my friends departed to Tokyo or other major cities-- or even out of the country-- for further education, I was stuck in a small shop with nothing to do but feel bored. Time would tick by slowly. During that time I wistfully wished my stupid parents had left me some memories I could look back on to pass the crawling hours. Little did I know, however, how my wish would be granted, nor how I would soon be left with more memories than I had ever asked for.

*****

Isn't she a good writer???? i think woo hyuk makes his entrance in the next portion.... there weren't really chapters.. but there are spaces in between the paragraphs... sooo.. but i'll try to put the rest of it up.... well...i'm going to Vegas on wednesday night... so when i get back on sunday i'll put more up (i'll put more up tomorrow too). She has another fic called Summer Memories..... but it's not finished yet... but she gave me permission to repost it as soon as she's done~ if you want to read it it's at type-v.... but haha read it HERE.....kekekekekekek.....

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Old Post 04-16-2002 06:24 PM
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TAIgrr
MM caramel FRAP! =P

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quote:
Originally posted by lovedontloveme
HYUKIE IS MY HUBBY [:

I'M VERY SORRY.. BUT ER.. YOU MIND SHARING HIM??? HAHAH, ANYWHO.. O MAN, WOOHYUK IS JUST.. IS JUST..... I CANT EXPLAIN HIM..... HE'S TOO GOOD FOR WORDS

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Old Post 04-16-2002 06:54 PM
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lovedontloveme

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post more susannn [=

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Old Post 04-16-2002 10:27 PM
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MellowYellow
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i see you vi.... haha

i'm on late today too...... keke....

well.... i'll post more of it when i get back from school tomorrow... and i guess i'll try to post the rest before i leave for vegas....

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Old Post 04-16-2002 10:38 PM
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MellowYellow
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I remember it being a bright, sunshine-filled afternoon when he first walked into my life and left it never the same. I was by a display set of figurines, arranging and re-arranging them in a desperate attempt to dispell my boredom, when the little bells attached to the top of the door jingled, signalling a new customer. I expected it to be old widow Yamazaki, who bought my crystals regularly to keep herself from feeling too lonely in her empty house, or my aunt, who came in almost every day to "keep me company" but almost always drove me crazy with her pointless, nonsensial talks. But when I turned I saw a young man!
He looked to be only a few years older than me and definitely a few inches taller. He wore a very formal coat, the kind that stops just above the ankle, the kind I'd often seen businessmen wear in postcards from New York a friend at New York University sends me every so often. And, even though it was winter, he wore sunglasses that matched with the color of his outfit: black. But there was something wild about him. Maybe it was his hair, which was a little unkept, or maybe it was his strong jawline or sharp nose. He gave me a slight bow and a flashed me a smile, and I remember feeling a sudden jolt at that smile. There was something very foreign about it.
"You're not from around here are you, sir?" I asked him once I'd neatly wrapped all his chosen items in tissue paper and dropped them in a bag.
"No, I'm not, " his Japanese was halty, hesitant, "I'm from Korea."
He took off his sunglasses, revealing his hidden eyes. Eyes that blew me away. Eyes without double eyelids (double eyelids were the fashion. Anyone without them was seen as ugly), but were so big I found myself already getting lost within their liquid expanse.
He flashed me another one of his foreign smiles and walked out the door. I thought that would be the last I'd see of him. I knew he was one of those people who visited only once, for nothing ever fit their tastes, or their class.
But he came back the next day. And the day after. And the day after that, until he became just as regular a customer as Yamazaki and I had to find a way to get more crystals into the shop before he dried out a whole supply. I began to suspect he wasnt acting like this on his own accord. My best guess was that he had a girlfriend who, being as rich as he was, demanded worthy enough gifts from him...and his money. And already I began to hate and loathe her for, although I had never laid eyes on her. It was as if I was laying eyes on the most vile species of women, which I myself produced inside my head, determined to make it come to life. One day she'd have a large nose. On another she had a face laid thick with so much make up it was flaky white. And perhaps it was this pre-determined hate tugging and coaxing at the bottom of my heart that demanded that I get to know this man.
By engaging in casual conversations with him, I came to know his name was Jang, Woo Hyuk. He'd lived in Japan for a year in Tokyo, where he'd started a successful chain of Department Stores, and he'd just moved to Sapporo two weeks ago, in search of a potential spot for his next chain of Department stores. The day he'd walked into my store had been his first day in Sapporo. I never asked who his girlfriend was, though my insides writhed at another opportunity. I was afraid I wouldnt be able to sleep after I heard the answer.
Time seemed to flow by so quickly now that I had someone near my age to talk to. Soon, I began to lose count of the many dinners he invited me to, and the countless number of times he'd drop by after after work to help me arrange the display window. People would have accused me of being crazy not to have noticed these "signs", but I didnt believe in such things. And I was too busy searching for the girlfriend who would stomp up to us, slam Woo Hyuk's fork onto the table, and try to pull him out of his chair, giving me the long-awaited signal to slap her for her rudeness.
"Why do you even care about HER?" I found myself asking myself. I was convinced it was because I had a personal hate to girls like her. How was I to know that the beginning of personal hate also led to the beginnings of personal attachments?
I couldnt stand it anymore.
"Do you have a girlfriend, Woo Hyuk-san?" I finally asked him while carefully placing the set of crystal bowls he'd bought inside a bag. He looked at me with puzzled shock. Then his lips formed a sly, lopsided smile and his eyes twinkled, mingling in with the display of twinkling crystal watches behind him.
"Yes."
"And does she like the crystals you buy her?"
"Well, I don't buy them for her, I buy them for myself, but she definitely loves crystals...she loves them so much that she has her own crystal store."
I looked up at him in alarm, feeling a sudden rush of emotions that crashed by too fast for me to name. All I remember was that his eyes were sincere. He was telling the truth. And, looking into those eyes, I couldnt tell why I felt so happy.

*****

eh no one is reading this? haha.... well you SHOULD! cuz hotjjang is an AWESOME writer.....

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Old Post 04-17-2002 03:29 PM
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lovedontloveme

Registered: Apr 2002
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AHHHHHHHHH SUSAN POST MORE DAMMIT! LOL
eh is this posted at type v? i might go read it there if it is O.O

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Old Post 04-17-2002 09:30 PM
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MellowYellow
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quote:
Originally posted by lovedontloveme
AHHHHHHHHH SUSAN POST MORE DAMMIT! LOL
eh is this posted at type v? i might go read it there if it is O.O



noooooooo don''t do that!

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Old Post 04-18-2002 03:08 PM
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MellowYellow
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The weeks flew by, one by one, with every red cross I scribbled on the calender. Autumn departed with the leaves. Winter blew in with the winds. Soon, All of Sapporo was covered in snow as if a huge fishing net of white had been cast over the town. The town became beautiful, sparkling a million reflections in the sunlight, like it did every winter. And like every winter I stayed inside the shop, protected by central heating from the chill outside, satisfied at simply gazing at Sapporo's winter through the window. But that wasnt enough for Woo Hyuk. During these winter days of dazzling beauty, Woo Hyuk never failed in coaxing me outside to experience it for myself.
The snow felt squishy and sometimes crunchy beneath my boots, and I told him so, but that wasnt enough either. He pushed me unexpectedly from behind. And I fell forward on my hands, digging them inches beneath the snow and wincing as I felt a thousand needles poke into my naked skin. But after awhile I began to get used to the pain. After awhile it began to feel kind of pleasant, giving me enough courage to scoop up clumps of snow from the inches below and throw it in Woo Hyuk's direction.
"Euwhak!! Ayumi, you killed me!" he'd exclaim in pitiful shock before deciding to come alive again in order to throw HIS snowball. I ran away, but his aims were always precise. And I would let out a surprised yelp every time I felt a chill hit me in the back of the neck. My aunt had always said I had a wild spirit, and my pride wouldnt let me rest with a defeat...without a fight anyways. I ran after him, shouting out threats at the top of my lungs in delighted anger and crazy hoots, a mega ball of snow raised in my fist.
Time seemed to halt...or fly by too fast. All I saw were confused flurries of snow. All I heard was joyful laughter. By the time we realized what we were doing, we'd both be covered head to toe in liquidy flecks of white and my hands would be swollen ripe, red tomatoes. Exhansted, we both collapsed on the the ground. We looked up at the endless expanse of sky, our hearts pounding, our breaths steaming, left over mischief written all over our faces.
"We gotta stop doin this... this aint good for my health, Woo Hyuk-san." I managed to say in between gasps. He looked at me with his eyebrow raised. An expression of unbelief I'd come to love.
"Woo Hyuk-SAN?" he pretended to sound insulted.
"Then what else do I call you?"
He leaned towards me and whispered into my ear, "Oppa." he quickly moved down from my ear and bit my neck.
"Ow!" I punched together another snowball and chased after him, "Oppa!!!!"
Woo Hyuk took me to other places too, places I had never seen before, places I'd never known existed. On Christmas Eve he took me to the ocean. The only ocean I'd seen in mmy life was the one on television when a special report on water pollution was on, and I had screwed my face in disgust at the sight of floating plastic bags and dead fish. Afterwards I had sworn to never visit such a dirty place.
But the ocean I was gazing at right now was different. I didnt see any plastic bags, just waves upon waves of white foam. I didnt see any dead fish either, just loudly sqauwking seagulls circling around the distant cliffs. The howling winds whipped up the blue waters and blew their unseen rhythms to my ears. I closed my eyes against the soothing music. It was so beautiful. The ocean was so beautiful...like everything else Woo Hyuk taught me to love. Woo Hyuk was standing beside me, and he too had closed his eyes. My heart leaped with joy at seeing how much he loved what I loved.
After about two hours of running along the sand and dipping our feet in the water, we turned our back to the ocean, and walked away. But he didnt walk me back to the store, or my house. To my surprise, he led me to HIS house, a huge Victorian mansion sitting on a hill on the outskirts of the town. I couldnt help gasping at the sheer size of it. Inside, it contained the same concept: the bigger the better. Even the frames outlining the Impressionist paintings on the walls were taller than me. I felt like I was walking in the house of a giant, and I found myself gazing uncertainly at Woo Hyuk, measuring him up and down with my eyes.
"So what do you think?" Woo Hyuk seemed so eager to please me.
"It's...enormous." I took another dramatic gasp. Woo Hyuk smiled.
"why don't you go touring while I--" he put his hand to his mouth as if he'd let loose an enormous secret. I gave him a questioning look, which he answered with a wink. I knew he was telling me it would be no use egging him for the answer, so I scampered off down a carpetted hallway.
There were so many doors down each side! And I longed to take a peek behind all of them, but I felt I would never succeed even if I lived to be a hundred. Then I came across a door that had a definite difference. It was made of the same material and looked the same, but it was half opened, and my curiosity got the better of me.
I squinted as I opened the door. When I was able to look properly, I could see why. The room was empty and clean. But on the wall hung a picture of an unfamiliar middle-aged woman, framed in the frame of death...the frame of a funeral ceremony. In front of the picture, on the floor, lay a sea of crystals, all sparkling at once from the light that poured through the open door. Most of them were the ones he'd bought from my store. They lined the floor in orderly formation: rough, uncut quartz crystals in the back; clear, small figurines in the front. They seemed to light up the room and give more life to the lifeless space.
Then the world went black as I felt two hands slip around my eyes from behind me.
"Woo Hyuk-sa.. Oppa.."
"Shhhh..this way.."
He coaxed my feet to move. All I could sense was darkness enveloping...clinging...to me, and all I could do was trust. He took his hands away. And once more I gasped. I was standing in a room illuminated only by candle light. One one side of the room was a blazing fire, roaring with a sweet scent, and on the other side was a plush couch. A cup of hot chocolate was put into my hands.
He brought me over to the couch, letting me sink into its silkiness. Then he sat next to me, wrapped his arms around my shoulder, and whispered in my ear, "how do you like your Christmas present?"
"So this is what you were up to..."
He gave me that all-knowing foreign smile he'd flashed me three months back before pulling me in closer.
"Woo Hyuk oppa, can I ask you something?"
"What?"
"Who is that woman in the picture?"
"She's my mother," his face fell slightly, "she died about a year ago..."
"Wasnt that when you came to Japan?"
"Yeah...we came together. When I was growing up in Korea, I wasn¡¯t blessed with a very good father. My family was rich, very rich, and that was probably the reason why he came home drunk most nights, why he threw away money at gambling, why he was always gazing up and down other women's legs, and why he would beat my mother. My mother said he wasnt always like that...the drinks put the poison in him, but I personally thought it was the money. It put him in too many temptations. I couldnt stand it anymore. I convinced my mother to run away from the bastard and come with me to Japan. And she did. But she also brought half of my father's money. Not a good choice. After just a week after arriving in Tokyo, she was gunned down by someone my father hired while she was shopping..."
"Oh...I'm sorry."
"It's okay. I actually feel better now after telling someone. Did I ever tell you how much you look like her?"
I shook my head.
"Well you do," he said smiling, "she also liked crystals too...couldnt stand diamonds"
"What happened to your father?"
"He died of some disease a few months back. About time, too."
I thought I saw a wild flash flit across his eyes, but it disappeared before I was even certain it had been there at all. His face brightened.
"Where's MY present?"
Now it was my turn to give him the all-knowing smile. It was hidden in my pocket, but I wasnt about to tell him that. I leaned in closer to him, until my lips melted into his, briefly. When I'd pulled away, Woo Hyuk froze for some time, a look of disbelief on his face. Then he moved towards me in a hungry manner and pressed his lips onto mine. And there, lost in the depth of his kiss, I felt like I was in a dream...but, alas, all dreams must be interrupted by the harshness of reality...

*****

haha vi don't read it there! read it HERE....haha
three more posts and the story is done....

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Old Post 04-18-2002 03:11 PM
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lovedontloveme

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ahahahaa okay susan
i jsut read that chapter
WOMAN THIS AINT A SHORT STORY
ITS BLOODY LONG! LOLjkjk

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Old Post 04-18-2002 04:19 PM
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MellowYellow
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quote:
Originally posted by lovedontloveme
ahahahaa okay susan
i jsut read that chapter
WOMAN THIS AINT A SHORT STORY
ITS BLOODY LONG! LOLjkjk



AHHHHh haha..... well you've never read a LONG fic before...

they're like.... 30 chapters long.......haha.... and i've been reading this REALLY good fic at type v... it's called "a place for everything" and.... it's a click-b fic...... so far.... like 27 chapters long? well it's almost to 30.... but it's SOOOOOo good...haha

and okay... on WORD this fanfic is only like 8 pages long... but "Black Coffee Talk" is like 58 pages long... haha and might i remind you.... those aren't chapters.... but they sure seem like it don't it? she didn't have chapters for this because.... IT'S A SHORT FIC....hahahahaahahahahahah .....well here i go i'll post the next..... PORTION vi...... hahahah

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Old Post 04-18-2002 07:28 PM
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MellowYellow
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I woke up one morning with the sun shining in my eyes to a day I can never forget. My head was so clear, so free from worry, and I felt like I was walking among the clouds. Light was streaming through my open window, reflected off the mirror-like snow outside. The fresh morning air filtered through my nose, clearing up what little thoughts I had stored in my mental facilities. I had never experienced such a perfect morning. How could anything go wrong? It was too calm. Too peaceful. People say that a storm always comes after a calm, but at that moment I didnt want to think such a dark thought, afraid it would swallow up this rare and fragile happinness in an instant. Funny how paranoid people get about invisible entities like thoughts ruining their luck.
The doorbell rang. I opened it and found Woo Hyuk standing outside wearing his usual bright smile in greeting. And, that morning, I felt I had been lifted so high that I had somehow arrived in heaven the minute my eyes met his face. The snow became fluffy clouds, and Woo Hyuk was the archangel himself. This thought was so enticing and so delicious that I continued to think it until it got etched in my memory an unforgettable photograph. And perhaps that is why half of it came true in the end.
"Konichi wa¡¦" I stuttered, suddenly remembering how untidy my hair was and how heavy the bags under my eyes felt.
"Konichi wa. I see you just woke up," I could feel my cheeks burning under his dancing eyes, "I just wanted to see how you were before I headed to work."
And my heart instantly melted. For the first time in my life, I was lost for words. I frantically groped inside my self. But I found nothing. In the end, all I could do was hug him, clinging onto his neck, perhaps in search for my flustered meanings among his scent.
Of course he hugged me back--his strong breath traveling down my spine. And after that he left, leaving his footprints etched in his path. Etched as deep in the snow as it is in my memory.
I remember waving to him when it happened, smiling like nothing could stop me. He walked farther away from me. Two steps became four, four steps became eight, eight became sixteen, sixteen became.... He didnt move another step forward, and for a moment he looked like he was stuck in some sort of a time warp, frozen like an ice statue. The smile immediately left my lips. Then, he took another step, slowly, like an old man with a bent back. His hand flew to his chest; he started zig-zagging wildly in every direction, his other hand clutching desperately in thin air, before toppling to the ground.
I couldnt move. I just stood there unable to grasp the horrible scenario that had been played before my eyes, and a numb silence shook within me, making my heartbeat hammers and my blood rumble in my ears. i had no idea what to think or how I should think it--my mind was already too empty for that...no longer with happinness but shock. Everything was still and quiet. A light wind stirred up my hair. I finally gained consciousness.
"Oppa!"
And I ran towards his motionless figure. I ran through the wind...and the mist of my tears.
I don't know how I did it, especially amidst all the confusion warring inside me, but I managed to get an ambulance and get Woo Hyuk to a hospital in town. It was the second time I ever stepped foot in a hospital. Waiting outside the emergency room, where Woo Hyuk's unconscious body had been frantically scurried into, where I could hear the flurry of shouts through the doors, and where machines beeped uncontrollably, I prayed fiercely with all my heart for the second time to end up better than the first.
After what seemed like eons of pacing the lonely hallway, a doctor who wasnt wearing the usual surgery green, came out from behind the doors.
"How are you related to the patient," he looked into a folder he was holding, "Mr. Jang?"
"I'm his girlfriend. What's wrong with him?"
"He has lung cancer. I'm afraid it is very advanced, meaning that he probably had it for at least three years."
"But how can that be?" I managed to stutter, "He doesnt even smoke."
"I did some research on him while the surgeons were treating him, and his case is very different from other patients'. The leading cause of lung cancer is smoking, the next leading cause is second-hand smoke, and this is the category Mr. Jang fits in. His father was a chronic chain smoker..."
The doctor went on to explain how severe lung cancer was, how it was different from other cancers, and how it can never be treated with chemotherapy in a voice that slipped through my ear only to get smuggled in the back of my head against my racing thoughts, so that all I could hear was a distant whisper.
"Miss? Miss!"
I shook away from my thoughts, feeling them slip away from my grasp.
"Huh?"
"Mr. Jang, like most patients, would probably wish to spend his days out of the hospital. Does he have any relatives to take care of him?"
"No."
"Then I think it'll be best if you moved in with him and tend to him. Don't worry it'll be only for a short time."
"Only for a short time...." the words stabbed a dagger through my heart, the beginning of pain.

*****

there you go..... okay there are two left.... imma just post em up now so you can read them here okay? is that okay with everyone? haha too bad....i think i might get lazy later and forget to post the rest of this up....so here i go (i'm still gonna separate them into portions cuz that's what the orgional writer did)

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Old Post 04-18-2002 07:30 PM
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MellowYellow
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The crystal feels so cold beneath my fingers: cold...but beautiful. It sparkles so brightly--tinting every color of the rainbow--gathering what tiny flecks of light there are in my life and reflecting them in brilliant display with twice the intensity...almost as if having a life of its own. And once more I want to get lost in its embrace: the embrace of a clear, cold stone with warm colors. So much time seems to have flown by since I last gazed at a crystal this way, and during that time I feel I have changed so much, aged so much, but my crystals remain the same. Just like the first time...and the last time. My skin tingles as a hot tear falls on my hand holding the crystal, another crystal's worth of my pain. This will be the last time I will ever touch one.
Sighing, I leave the room of Woo Hyuk's dead mother, the one room that gives me strength these days, and head down the long and empty hallway. I open the door of Woo Hyuk's room, slowly, so as not to disturb him. Beep beep beep beep. As usual, I am greeted by machines, wires and tubes and dials. They surround his bed, hiding him almost completely from sight, all pumping and buzzing and beeping to do what I no longer have the power to do: to keep him alive. I scold myself for being foolish to think I could ever disturb him when his mere existence is already disturbed by things that measure out his life on the frequency of a thin green line.
And yet, he is able to sleep through it all, with nothing but a tube taped below his nose giving him oxygen. It has only been a month, but in the space of one month Woo Hyuk has aged ten years. His cheeks have grown hollow, and thin, now resembling the texture of wood rotted in the damp. His skin is pale, almost dead white, and it has lost its smoothness. Veins I've never known to exist bulge out disgustingly from the sides of his neck. He openes his eyes. They are unfocused and faded, as if he is not focusing on me but through me to some place I cannot see.
"Ayumi." he calls to me with a husky voice. I put on the smile I have memorized by heart, the smile that says everything is alright, in an attempt to convince Woo Hyuk and myself that everything is really under control.
"What is it, Woo Hyuk oppa. You should sleep some more."
"Yes, I will, after I tell you some things."
And something about the way he says that sends a chill running up my spine. The room is suddenly suffocating, the machines are off-beat, and why are there tears falling down my cheeks? No...no it cannot be!
"Oppa, no, don't leave me!" I cling unto his arm, the only arms in which I had ever been accepted. Gently, he lifts up my chin, but already, all I see are blurs.
"You and I both know it, Ayumi. It is time...it cannot be helped. Now listen to me," my sobs are already stuck in my throat, so I have no other choice, "I'm sorry for being such a burden to you this past month, and I'm sorry for having it made it hard for you. Just remember...when I'm gone, I want you to be happy...don't cry for me anymore." he wiped a tear softly from my cheek.
"But I can't! I can't be happy when you're not here. How can you ask such a thing from me?"
" Because I love me. And when I...cremate my body and scatter my ashes into the ocean, so that I can sail out with the tide but also flow in to meet you with the waves. And, lastly, I want you to have the house and take over my business once I'm not here."
"But I can't. What do I know about business? What if I make all the wrong decisions? I just don't have the confidence..."
"I'll guide your steps...even though I won't be here by your side, a part of me will always guide you if you keep me in your heart.
He suddenly presses his lips against mine, where he found the strength to do so I'll never know. I have no other desire but to surrender into the depths of it.
After a brief moment, his mouth falls away, his head slumping back down on the pillow with his eyes closed and his palms open. Beep. The machines give out a single high-pitched, ear-shattering note along the straight green line. And I subconsciously touch my lips, realizing he had given me his last breath...his last part of himself.
==================================================
===================
Even though you now leave my side, you'll always stay in my heart.
At the time I was also so afraid.
Was it hard for you? I'm sorry...

Now we can't see each other again...
I ask a small favor: please don't cry.
I wanted our love last forever...
But I still love you.
(MILK's 'Crystal')
==================================================
===================

*****

aww it's so sad isn't it?!?!?!?!? i was crying by here... i was i was i was!..... "black coffee talk"....i was like spazing out because......i was crying.... and then i was BUSTIN up laughing... and then i was crying again.... and then i kinda felt MONG... and then i was crying again.... and then bustin up laughing....haha .....spaz attacks! well okay here i go i'll just post the last one up...haha

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Old Post 04-18-2002 07:32 PM
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MellowYellow
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The waves crash against the rocks below me--whoosh whoosh--in constant motion, following the same rhythm, churning their foam down the same path. They bring in with them the icy winds that ruffles my hair, clawing at my clothes in search of an open area to get in and chill my soul. But they don't need to do that. My soul is already frozen, and I have no more tears left to cry. The seagulls caw vigorously around me as they dot the blue above the winter ocean. The waters seem so pure today. It is so beautiful, just like the first time I came here...with Woo Hyuk.
It's been three months since his death, and even after three months after I had seen him cremated, I'm not able to fully grasp the fact that he's gone. Whenever I tried, I came to this very cliff, where I am standing now, in an attempt to find him in the place he loved the most. And, sometimes, I'd see him in the horizon, or on a fishing boat, or walking along the shore of the white sand, flinging pebbles into the waters. During times when I couldnt find him, I'd take a peek down, measuring the distance between me and rocky bottom (two to three miles below), me and death, me and Woo Hyuk.
In the end, I didnt jump for two reasons. My body would tingle from head to toe, in protest, at the rememberance of Woo Hyuk's last breath still hot on my lips. He had given me a part of himself that night, and I was certain he never meant for that part to die. And I already knew what it felt like plunging down from a cliff. Every time Woo Hyuk's face on the horizon disappeared, every time he turned in the fishing boat and became a girl, every time he would stop from throwing stones into the sea to take off his wild-haired wig and wipe off the damp on his bald spot, my heart would take a sky-dive two to three miles down, where my hopes became dashed to pieces on the rocky bottom. It hurt so much, and if just the mental pain of it hurt this much, I didnt want to experience the real, physical version.
And, after some time, I stopped looking, for I began to realize that wherever Woo Hyuk was, he wasnt on the face of this earth. The only thing remaining of him in this world (beside what was already inside me) was the bow of ashes I now hold in my hands.
I sprinkle his ashes into the ocean, watching them being carried by the wind. I wish my pain could be carried away with his ashes. That is all that remains in my heart now: unbearable pain--pain I thought I would never feel. They say experience is the best teacher, but no one ever says that his tool is pain. And out of all the things Woo Hyuk got me to experience, pain was the least beautiful, but, now that I think of it, the most inevitable. I was wrong to have tried to avoid it all my life when it is something everyone is forced to experience sooner or later. I remember the vast array of crystals Woo Hyuk had lined in front of his mother's picture in an attempt to ease his pain. I remember how the uncut, unpolished quartz crystals progressed into cut, polished, and intricately shaped pieces. And now I find myself thinking: was it because of pain? Were those crystals a symbol of how his spirit got shaped by pain? Are we all destined to be like that, our characters largely developed by pain?
And how does fate play into this? After all, wasnt pain the result of a cruel twist of fate? Deja vu seems to be a favorite technique with fate. Was it fate that I looked like his mother? Was it fate that he caught the same disease as my father, had it for exactly three years, and had died exactly like my father? Was it fate that Woo Hyuk taught me the one emotion everyone else in my life had failed to teach me?
The time I had spent with Woo Hyuk came to be the most uplifting and, at the same time, downfalling memory I could ever have. He took me apart, bit by bit, pulling my heart towards joy and leaving my mind behind in grief, sometimes switching them around simultaneously, but my soul somehow overlapped both. In this mismatched, contradictory way, I would find myself fused together in a location I couldnt quite put my finger on, only to find out later that it wasnt a location, but an emotion. It was love.
Snow begins to fall from the sky, mingling with the blowing ashes, until I can't tell what is snow and what is Woo Hyuk, but perhaps it's better that way. I suddenly remember what my father had told me ages ago:
"Everyone is more like a crystal."
"The snow is like...crystals."
"We are like the falling snow...it is hard to stay pure in this world. The snow falls; is trampled underfoot; and is left no longer snow white."
I ponder on those words. If we are like the crystals that falls from the sky as snow, and is then dirtied under trampling feet, then how much must we be scraped, washed, and polished to reach fragile perfection? And how much we resist to it all so that we will not be scratched or shattered? Perhaps these are questions that will never be answered, because they cannot be with the limits of human intellect.
Last night, I had a dream. In front of me was a huge wooden wall, rotten on the surface and strangled by tendrils of ivy. I walked up to the wall and pushed some of the ivy aside, and I saw what I had never seen before. There on the wall was a door-knob. I turned the door-knob, pushing the door open. And there in front of me was the winter ocean, except that instead of having a shoreline of sand it had a shoreline of snow. Woo Hyuk walked up to me down that shoreline. I knew I would find him in the place he loved most. And for a reason I do not know, I asked him, "How deep is your love?"
He reached down into the snow, and pulled out from within its depths, a smooth ball of crystal.
"Look into it," he said, "when you can see it's bottom you have reached the limit of my love."
But, no matter how hard I squinted, I couldnt see the end to the mysteries and wonders of...love.

*****

WHOOOOO haha i hope you guys liked that fic because I sure did... the ending is just like..... so good... aackk.. okay so she's 16 years old if anyone was wondering.... doesn't seem like a lot of ppl were reading this fic.... oh well at least vi enjoyed it! haha..... did'nt you? i'm sorry about hyukie....awwwww i was bawling.... well hope you enjoyed it! let me remind everyone AGAIN.... this fic is NOT by me.... it's by a very talented writer who only goes by the alias hotjjang... she's 16 years old that's all you need to know about her~

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Old Post 04-18-2002 07:35 PM
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lovedontloveme

Registered: Apr 2002
Location: tacoma, wa.
Posts: 776
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i read it !
ahh
nooooo
he can't die dammit!
/:
that was very good ~[=
im gonna go read more of hotjjang's fics at type v
im gonna badger her till she posts more of summer memories LOL
i think im gonna go reread black coffee talk as well
[=

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Old Post 04-19-2002 02:04 PM
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