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being selfish.
I always thought that with him I was never selfish--and if I was, it was only a little bit. But just recently, I made a HUGE mistake. That was... being selfish. I let him go because I knew it was best for him. He could be somewhat of himself again and fight all the stress that has been finding him lately. But I couldn't take it... I couldn't take it for even one night. I can't stand knowing that he's not mine. So I called him back and told him I wanted him back. It was wrong of me. Instead of doing what is best for him, I did what I wanted for myself. I figured that if I haven't been selfish in our relationship, I can at least do this. I can at least be selfish once because afterall, I do love him... and he loves me too. I figured what I wanted was what he wanted too. Instead of what's best, I figured what we wanted was more important.
It hurts. It hurts to know that I did this to him. It hurts to know that because of me, he has to deal with more than he needs to deal with. I try to make things less stressful for him. I think "oh, if I stay with him, he might feel a little bit better... but if I stay, I also bring him more stress." Then I think, "if I leave, it could be better for him also... but it could make things worse too." I never try to hurt him, but what ever I want to do always hurts him.
Knowing how he feels about the mistake I made makes me feel even worse. He's cold now. He's cold towards me and I deserve every bit of it. I know he doesn't feel the same and changing that is impossible now... although I wish it wasn't.
I broke the one thing that I promised to seriously make happen to him... Giving him happiness---put vaguely.
I'm lost.
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I love him so much but I feel like I have to lose him.
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06-07-2004 04:36 PM
