letting go
in my life, i have experienced 5 deaths: my grandmother, my aunt, my great-uncle, my great grandfather, and just recently, a friend. this is the first time in my life that a friend has died, and out of all of these people, my friend was the closest to me. she was only a year older than me and we went to church and school together, so we were pretty close. we used to share secrets about guys, people at school, and rumors about the people at church. she was such a fun, loving, energetic person. characterized by sporadic bursts of laughter and spontaneous dancing, she was one of the happiest people i have ever met in my life. since she was an only child, she loved little children and would take care of all the babies at church. the adults there loved her too because she was so good with their children. always smiling, ever ready to lend a hand, and never reprimanding, my friend added zeal and flavor to my otherwise dull and quiet life. she brought me out of my shell. if it wasn't for her, i wouldn't be able to communicate with the rest of my youth group members.
she had been complaining about headaches for about two weeks. on tuesday night, her mom took her to the hospital. they did an xray and found a tumor or some abnormal growth. they had to operate right away, but then she lapsed into unconsciousness. the doctors later confirmed that she was brain dead.
seeing her last night in the ICU was extremely difficult. prior to entering the ICU unit, i cried for a solid 15 minutes while mumbling the rosary. the entire hall outside the ICU was lined with people from my church, who had come to support her family and pray. the women sat with bowed heads and chanted the rosary, pausing now and then to wipe their tears and noses, while the men paced restlessly up and down the hall and talked about what the doctors could do. the most heart-wrenching part of the hour and a half that i was there was when i happened to look up from my praying and saw her mother and my mother locked in an embrace, tears streaming down their faces. my friend's poor mother couldn't even walk - she had to be supported as she went down the halls. i couldn't perceive the pain and suffering she was feeling at that moment - imagine your only child on life support at the age of seventeen.
my mom, my best friend (our friend, actually), and several others told me not to cry when i went in to see her. they told me i needed to be strong for her. they told me to talk in a normal, light-hearted tone and not to give any hint of my emotions at all. i nodded mutely and was actually surprised i was being allowed to go in to see her, for her other friends (not friends of mine) were also there but didn't get to see her. my best friend's mom took my hand and led me into her room and told me what to expect. i had braced myself for seeing tubes and a somewhat lifeless body, so what i saw didn't come off as too much of a shock. however, there was something i saw that came as a total surprise. her long, beautiful hair, which had extended almost to her waist, was completely shaven off. a glaze was over her eyes and she was unbelievably pale. i took her hand and whispered into her ear a light-hearted message about returning this summer to see all our friends that we had made last summer at a youth leadership program. i reminded her of the cute guy she had met there and how we had to and take my sister and some other younger kids from our church this year. i left a few minutes afterward, but my mom didn't come home until 1:30 at night. i had hoped that i would be able to see her today, but no such luck. she passed away peacefully late this afternoon.
right now, i'm not mad. i'm screaming at God, yes, but i'm not cursing him. i have to accept the fact that this is part of God's Great Plan and that whatever happens is for the best. it's hard to swallow it, but no matter what i do or say, nothing will change. i don't understand why God had to choose her, an only child and loved by so many people; i don't understand why she had to be only 17; i don't understand why she wasn't given a chance to say goodbye to anyone. all i know is that i have to let her go and trust that God knows what he is doing.
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this forum is gradually slowing down. i apologize for my inactivity, for as moderator, it is my duty to keep it active. feel free to post other stories about family and friends, people.
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