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Re: Speech pls help
quote:
Originally posted by Azn2296
1) As you may or may not know my name is Max Lai. Since most of you don't know me very well, here is the basic layout of my past and present.
2) I am a sophomore at South Hills High School and I have been at this school since my freshmen year. During the summer between my 8th grade and my freshmen year, I began swimming competitively for the Industry Hills Aquatic Center. Being a competitive swimmer urged me to tryout for the South Hills swim team. My experience in the summertime and during the school year at Industry Hills really paid off because I ended up being one of the few freshmen on the Varsity team.
3) Before a swim meet I’ll eat my favorite food. Which is pizza because it has all the food groups in it and it gives me energy the next day to swim hard. Swimming, in my opinion, is a very good for endurance and cardiovascular activity. When I swim, I always put 100% effort into it, whether it is for fun or competition. The best feeling is when you have all of your family and friends cheering you along, stroke by stroke. When the atmosphere begins to grow tenser and I see there is a challenge, I am always up for it.
4) My family and my friends are the most important people in my life because they make me happy when I’m feeling down and they make up what I am today. When I’m out there swimming I always keep in mind of this quote by Anon, he said, “Winners never quit and quitters never win”. To me this quote pushes me to do harder and harder on anything I do. It reminds me to never quit because at the end it’s worth all the hard work I did. I believe that everyone in this world, no matter who they are, they make a difference in this world.
5) Doing what I like the most, swimming made me want to join a water polo team and some day hopefully in the future, I will be able to teach children what I love best, to swim. Drawing has also become one of my favorite hobbies. Whenever I feel bored, I take out some white paper and a pencil and draw whatever comes to mind. Since I like drawing in the future I’m hoping to be a car designer.
6) I hope this speech tells you a little something about me and I hoped you enjoyed it.
hmmm k
1) -As you may or may not know my name is Max Lai. Since most of you don't know me very well. That's all pretty redundant. You talk about whether or not they may know you, and then go on about how most of them don't know you well. Cut the first part out and just stick with, "my name is Max Lai."
-here is the basic layout of my past and present. There is a diction problem with "basic layout." The wording is strange too, perhaps you should try something else like: "It is my intention today to speak of who I am, and to educate you all of my past and my present life."
2) -My experience in the summertime and during the school year at Industry Hills really paid off because I ended up being one of the few freshmen on the Varsity team. A bit wordy. Perhaps it would be better to change that into: "My experience during the summer and in school at Industry Hills paid off greatly. I ended up being one of ..."
3) -Before a swim meet I’ll eat my favorite food. Which is pizza because it has all the food groups in it and it gives me energy the next day to swim hard. whoa. okay, "i'll" should be "i would." Which is pizza, a relative clause belongs to the first sentence. So it should be "...swim meet I would eat my favorite food, pizza. It has all the neccessary food groups and the abundant energy it gives me is essential to providing me with the strength to swim hard." That was a bit rough, you might want to toy around with that.
-When I swim, I always put 100% effort into it... The best feeling is when you have all of your family and friends cheering you along, stroke by stroke. When the atmosphere begins to grow tenser and I see there is a challenge, I am always up for it. First part could be rephrased to "When I swim, I always put in 100%." Gets rid of the redundant words.
- "Tenser" does not exist in the english language. "more tense" does.
- "When the atmosphere begins to grow tenser and I see there is a challenge, I am always up for it." That, in a sense, contradicts your first statement. First, the first part doesn't fit in, and by stating as such, you imply that you are always up for it only when the atmosphere grows more tense and when you spot a challenge. Try to find a way to rephrase that.
4) -they make up what I am today. That should be changed. It really isn't true in the literal sense, and you don't articulate how they "make you up" in the more intangible meaning.
-When I’m out there swimming I always keep in mind of this quote by Anon, he said, “Winners... Sounds strange. You should change it to, "While I am swimming, a familiar quote by Anon (who is Anon btw, you should explain) echoes through my mind:"
-To me this quote pushes me to do harder and harder on anything I do. "To me" is uneccessary. Perhaps you can rephrase the end to "...harder and harder in all the tasks I encounter."
- It reminds me to never quit because at the end it’s worth all the hard work I did. There is a lot of useless words in there. "It also reminds me that one should never quit because the ends make all the hard work worth the effort." <--rough, you should change it.
-I believe that everyone in this world, no matter who they are, they make a difference in this world. You really don't need "they" and "in this world," you said it already. "I believe that everyone in this world can make a difference, no matter who they are." would be a better way to phrase it.
5) -and some day hopefully in the future, I will be able to teach children what I love best, to swim "some day hopefully in the future." They all mean the SAME THING. lol. You can take out two of them and leave just one.
-Drawing has also become one of my favorite hobbies. Whenever I feel bored, I take out some white paper and a pencil and draw whatever comes to mind. Since I like drawing in the future I’m hoping to be a car designer. WHOA. That comes out of nowhere. At least try to devote another paragraph to that. Ealier (the sentence before!) you state that you really want to be a swim instructor. Then in the next sentence you say you want to be a car designer. I sense some discrepency. 
6) I hope this speech tells you a little something about me and I hoped you enjoyed it. Thats a pretty weak ending, almost like you're begging for their approval. It would be best if you changed it.
hope those comments help you. =)
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ni pour ni contre; ça m'est égal
"The weight of this sad time we must obey,/ Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say./ The oldest hath borne most; we that are young/ Shall never see so much, nor live so long."
King Lear (V.3.300-304)
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Speech pls help
10-15-2002 04:19 AM
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